Why keeping up with the Joneses sparks separation and divorce: are you (or your partner) a comparer?
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CREDIT FOR THE BOOK:
The Coupledom Trap by Tal Araim (Filament Publishing, Valentine's Day, £12), the founder of the Compass4Couples Centre.
Review copies (PDF and print) are available upon request. Case studies are available of couples (30s-50s) who have had at least one annual MOT and attend the Compass4Couples Centre, as well as lady who left her partner after reading the book. The author and his wife are also available to interview about life before, during and after the affair that prompted the creation of the Centre and the new book:info@literallypr.com.
Are you one of life's ‘comparers'? Many of us are... This is not to be confused with being a people-watcher. Comparers should be exiled from the new world of love and honesty. I cannot understand how so many couples start a sentence with: "Can you see Mary saying this to her husband?" or "Eddy wouldn't dare treat his wife this way, he spoils her rotten". Can we please put an end to this once and for all? What Mary and Eddie do with their respective partners is their own business. If it works for them, great, it does not mean it will work for you. Besides, no one knows what really goes on behind closed doors. The only comparing you should concern yourselves with is how you feel right now about each other compared with how you felt before. Have you met, exceeded or fallen short of your original expectations? Are you being honest? Are you having fun with your partner, or are you more likely to call up a friend and plan a night down the pub to have the real giggles and honest banter?
Comparing your relationship to others is futile. The randomness and uniqueness of our brains means that what worked for Eddie and his partner, or Mary and her partner, may not work for you because your partner is not Eddie nor Mary, and neither are you.
Your journey to this point of your life, and of your partnership, is not identical to Eddie's nor Mary's. Comparing can be a declaration of cowardice, which may look something like this:
I don't really love you anymore. I have discovered that my assessment of our love was wrong. Had I known back then what I know now, had I put real effort in finding out if we, as people, truly ring each other's bells, then I more than likely would not have decided to live with you this long. I had my doubts, but I didn't take them seriously and here we are.
Furthermore, I've invested far too much time and effort in this relationship, which means I'm somewhat reluctant to start again. Maybe we now have children and therefore I don't trust that the best thing for them is for us to separate. So, let's continue to live together, but I will now and then find opportunities to show you how disappointed I am. Comparing us to others is just one way of showing you this disappointment. People that I trust, my real friends, will back me up when I talk about you negatively. I will not feel any guilt in all this because it's easy for me to paint a subjectively negative picture of you to my friends. They will give me the support I seek to play the victim.
Deep down, I know this is weak and a waste of my only life. But somehow I find it acceptable to do this because you know what, everyone else does it, so why can't I? And why should I release you now? How will that affect my status financially and socially? It all seems too complicated and besides, maybe it's just a midlife crisis I'm going through, whatever that is.
Having considered all of the above, I think the best solution for us is to continue in our comfortable illusion of a moan-filled and undersexed society-approved way of life that is similar to so many of our equally dissatisfied peers."
Anyone using comparison with others, rather than self reflection, to complain about their partner is probably saying a version of this declaration. The minute you find yourself negatively comparing your partner to others, it is time to pause and reflect. If you can no longer effortlessly feel how lucky you are to be in the company of your partner's uniqueness, and vice versa, it's time to consider you're no longer with a compatible partner. Comparers maintain the high levels of separation and divorce that exist in society.
Notes to editors
About Tal Araim
"After many years of life experience, myriad relationships, one marriage, two children, an affair, a near divorce, clinical depression, drugs, alcohol, therapy, recovery, research, giving seminars and taking part in countless debates, I have decided to channel all these experiences into writing a book and opening Compass, the first couples coaching centre that helps those in love, stay in love. I cannot/do not expect everyone to go through my journey to become better equipped to deal with his or her relationships. I do hope that I can share my experience and research to help other couples avoid these pitfalls and establish the foundation on which long loving relationships are based." - Tal Araim
Online press folder (includes author photos, book cover, PDF for press review, AI etc):https://www.dropbox.com/sh/at774aihcsax6iw/AACFhORo2GVDgusjqsHG1zoHa?dl=0
Press contacts:
http://www.literallypr.com/public_relations/file/Tal-Araim---The-Coupledom-Trap.php
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